When Leadership Gets Personal: Lessons from My Uncle's Final Moments

Friday morning at 1:00 AM, my world paused. My daughter shook me awake: “Mommy, someone is calling you.” My first thought? Who has the nerve to call me at this hour?

Then I saw the 718-area code and my stomach sank. On the other end of the line, a woman with a strong New York accent said, “Your uncle stopped breathing. We started CPR.”

I shot up. “Stop — he’s a DNR. I’m on my way.”

I woke my parents, held my father’s hand, and hit the road. When I arrived, the staff was kind and professional.

Before leaving, I quietly asked the nurse, “Was there a mix-up with his code status?” She replied, almost sheepishly, “That was me. I just… reacted.”

I got it. Completely. When you’re in healthcare, instinct sometimes overrides policy. But as always — I turned it into a lesson.

Leadership in healthcare isn’t just about what happens during business hours — it’s tested most during the unexpected.

Here are the takeaways I want you, as a DON and leader in healthcare, to walk away with:

1️⃣ Know Your Residents’ Code Status — A Critical DON Leadership Lesson

• Keep an updated, visible list of all code statuses.

• Audit it monthly. No excuses.

• Confirm during care conferences that the care plan matches the resident/family’s wishes.

• Code status audits save lives and protect dignity.

2️⃣ Run Monthly Mock Code Drills — Every Shift

• Practice what you preach.

• Include scenarios for both full code & DNR.

• Train your team to pause, check, and then act.

• Mock code drills build confidence and prevent errors.

3️⃣ Plan Funeral & Post-Mortem Arrangements Early

• When I became my uncle’s representative, I didn’t check ahead of time if he had a funeral home listed. In the middle of my grief, I scrambled to find a funeral home that honored his Islamic faith.

• End-of-life planning in nursing homes shouldn’t wait for a crisis — be proactive and ask families these questions sooner rather than later.

  
  

Life happens fast. It’s our job as leaders in healthcare to make sure our teams — and our families — are prepared when it does.

If you take nothing else from this, take this: Plan ahead. Communicate clearly. Document everything. Because in those critical moments, clarity protects dignity.

To the staff that night — thank you for your compassion. And to my uncle — rest easy. Even in your final moments, you taught me how to lead with love.

✅ How often are you auditing code statuses & end-of-life plans? If you haven’t yet — let this, be your wake-up call.

With love & leadership,

Bilquis Ali, RN | The DON Coach